When does grief end?

So I started yesterday off with an 8am massage outside on my deck. Lots of reasons to be happy and grateful about that sentence.

1. I have a house that has a deck that I built
2. I have the means to pay for an in-home massage
3. Hello - self care!

I'd already made my usual list of things that must be done today and things I'd like to do. I made a healthy breakfast and feeling confident about my day. And then, out of the corner of my eye I saw an email go by saying Michael Kenneth Williams (he'll always be Michael Kenneth not Michael K to me) died.

Almost immediately the texts started coming in, phone calls.... but I sat there numb. And I slept walked through the next 24 hours as we all do when someone we love has died. The texts, calls, and emails came in with people making sure I was aware. Many even checking on me. Thank you.  But they needn't worry. I couldn't feel anything. I started to call Michael's mother but what would I say? She'd lost a son. A human that had grown in her body. Me just a client and friend. Someone I wept for and about while he was alive .

But then this morning when I woke up and said my prayers and read a little scripture I realized I was no longer numb. No the feelings, the anger, the loss was there. Today I'm going to be a little selfish. I'm going to thank God for my life; cause I have a great one. But I'm also going to feel a little sorry for myself  regarding the losses 2020 and 2021 because there have been many. I'm going to freely cry and remember all the things I loved about Michael - things that had so little to do with his talent and everything to do with his humanity and vulnerability.  We talked about how the world saw him has the profound heavy. But in real life he wasn't. He was so sensitive. We recognized in one another the masks that we constructed to survive. And I don't know if Michael took an overdose on purpose but this feels eerily like when the Captain committed suicide.

The Michael I knew would have been embarrassed at the outpouring of love but he would have loved it too!!!!

No matter what I said or did I never stopped loving you Michael.

RIP.